i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
