I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
