We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
