i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
