The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize