Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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