I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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