# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
