Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just blew my weed a kiss
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
