that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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