i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
