I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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