Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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