Plan B is the new Plan A
i think my tv is drunk
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
