he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
