wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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