Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I came so hard my ears popped.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
