Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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