Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This is the high leading the old right now
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
