Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
