If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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