You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
