I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
