I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
