She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
