Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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