3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
