Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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