apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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