Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
