You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
