Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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