There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
