Sry I called you an 8
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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