Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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