WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
