someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize