i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Let's paint friendship bongs
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
