I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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