you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
