Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
