Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
