also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We are all done wearing pants today
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
