I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
NoShamevember. You game?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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