Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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