i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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