My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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