So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
