We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
