She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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