Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
