Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
