once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
