so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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