If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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